Most of us want the “happily ever after”. We want to meet someone, possibly get married or have a life partner but first we have to go on a date! However, dating can cause real anxieties for many, especially for plus size women. I used to go out with my single and skinny friends and many times be the only one without an interest pursuing me for a dance or conversation. I immediately blamed my weight for this mishap until one day a guy came up to me and said - “I would talk to you but you seem so unhappy.” I immediately responded to him saying, “But I am smiling,” and he said “Yeah you are smiling but I can tell you are unhappy on the inside.” He was right, I had self esteem issues and insecurities stemming from issues surrounding my weight. Obviously I didn’t mask it well, as this guy saw right through me. It was after this interaction, I knew I had to make a change.
Here are 3 things to think about and do before dating:
Ask yourself are you ready to date?
Truth is I wasn’t ready and if you are not happy with yourself you aren’t ready either. Of course there are men out there that want to date specifically thin women, but there are tons more men that want a confident woman at any size. The notion that men aren’t dating women because they are plus size is completely false. So many of us have built this narrative into our heads and allowed it to stop us from getting out there and meeting different people. If you are having issues with your self worth and value, maybe you aren’t ready to date. Spend time working on the root of the shame you feel regarding your size and developing a healthy view of yourself. Not only will you make better decisions about who to date, but it will increase the overall quality of your life.
I have spoken to plus size women who feel like they have to lower their standards just to get a date. Don’t relax your standards to get a lousy lay! Moment of truth here: I would call up a guy I knew I would never want a future with, just to get a free meal and some cheap affection. I quickly found out that the future hurt and pain I would experience was just not worth it. Make a list of the kind of people you want to date. If you are looking for someone that wants to have a life partner in the future, but a dating profile shows a person of interest to be someone that hooks up regularly - stay away. Grab a pen and paper and write down the top ten things you want from a relationship - these foundational standards will help you pick the best potential dates to go on.
Build Your Confidence
My ex once told me that my lack of confidence turned him off. I later heard this from several other men I dated. You don’t have to hide your lack of confidence - people can sense it quickly. There is no concrete way to build confidence but it’s something you have to tackle daily. Start by figuring out when you lost it. Maybe you suffered trauma as a child or as an adult, maybe a family member told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything. You could have lost your confidence at a job where your boss constantly berated you. Trauma can have very lasting effectings - and losing your confidence is usually one of the many results of a traumatic experience. Once you identify the root seek help through therapy, self help books, whatever it takes. Work at developing your confidence daily and you will see results.
Now let’s get our there and meet people!
Thank you so much for this. Not only did it open my eyes but it has made me realize I’m truly not ready. After many failed relationships and abuse over the years I began to settle for less than I’m worth just to have someone around even though I wasn’t happy with the situation. This gave me a little bit of hope to keep pushing and working on building confidence I’ve never really had.